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June 16
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Desperately-











---gasping:



















"...You can't-


help me..."
So... I had an anxiety attack earlier. Combine this with my most recent journal entry, and I'm sure some of you will be tremendously worried about me. I would like to assure you that I'm fine. As for that journal, I just had the thought of: "What if I hadn't woken up this morning?"

As for today, well...

This was the first time in almost eight months that I've had an attack. The worst part was that it was in front of my Mum and my Gram (thankfully none of the kids were with us). Neither knew what to do, and tried to help. And this was the result of that.

It seems that writing is my saving grace after all.

Please don't worry about me, guys. I'm okay. I promise.

I'm just... Not quite as good at concealing my struggles as I used to be.





Anyway, love you and thanks for sticking with me through the roller coaster that has been the past year.
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:iconjoji1006:
Joji1006 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Anxiety attacks? You have anxiety attacks!? Dear god I'm glad you're fine. *hugs you* 

I don't mean to be rude, but why do you have anxiety attacks? 
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:icon12bfeygirl42:
12bfeygirl42 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, I'm okay. *pats head and awkwardly returns hug*

As for why I get them... That's a good question. I tend to hold a lot inside, everything from my happiness to my guilt to my worries. Then sometimes, at the least expected moments, from the smallest of triggers, it all just comes crashing down around me. Seriously... The last trigger was a bunch of red ants on my foot. I've dealt with ants my whole life. But suddenly I couldn't breathe, I was running as hard and fast as I could, tears ready to come out of my eyes. When I got into the house, I literally just jumped into a frigid shower, sitting on the floor in my wet clothes as I tried to restrain my reactions.

It was... Horrible. You feel utterly helpless, but know that the only one that can help you is you. You want to rip yourself out of your skin, run as far from everything and anything as possible, lock yourself in a box...

I've only had two before. The first was probably around 10. I was a total wreck at that point, and that was the year I had the most suicidal tendencies. They've long since left me, but yeah... That year was terrible on my emotions.

The last one preceeding this was a few months ago. I was actually with some of my friends waiting to go to a D&D session. I was beyond excited. And then suddenly... I was curled up in the fetal position on one of the beds, unable to catch my breath, pulse racing beyond my control. Maybe it was my nervousness that night, or too much excitement. I'll never know.

Anyway...

I don't know what causes them. But they are terrifying for anyone involved. Trust me. ^^;
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:iconjoji1006:
Joji1006 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My god. That's just awful. To have such attacks. 

I've never had such attacks before despite keeping my emotions bottled up. I will admit this though. I was also 10 when I had suicidal tendencies and that was because of all the bullying and things my mother used to say when she was mad.

I have grown depressed further on and I try to hide it as much as I can. Maybe, that was what led to my early maturity. 

Fey, have you ever considered telling a doctor? A psychiatrist or someone to talk to about this problem. Maybe, this could be the 1st step to some major problem and I worry for you. You never know what might happen in the future.
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:icon12bfeygirl42:
12bfeygirl42 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah... They're not pleasant.

I can understand the depression. I started to climb out of depression about a year or two ago. Up until then, it was horrible. I think a change of pace and a new life is a great way to become a new person and potentially wipe the slate clean. It's weird, but I mean it completely when I say that college has saved me in the best of ways.

I actually saw a few shrinks back in my early teenage years. But because of how I am, they never were a help. I'm fine, really. It's just a matter of being alone long enough for me to regain control. So, about five-ten minutes? All I have to do is be alone to calm myself. I can't... I can't depend on anyone. I never could. I don't know how. Knowing someone's nearby is enough, but the only one that can take care of me is me. It's a harsh reality and terrible philosophy, I know... But the only way to control this weakness of mine is to do it myself.

I know, in the end, despite how many people I know would be willing to catch me if I jumped, I know that I can't. In the end, my heart is only entrusted with me.

I'm the only one that can take care of me.
And I'm at peace with that.
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:iconjoji1006:
Joji1006 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I hope those attacks never happen again to you. It's not healthy for you to have those attacks. Be careful, my friend. 

I know what you mean. You know, I really plan to go to follow my aunt. She can enroll me to a college in Scotland or a medical school. I've always wanted to live in Europe. I think though, there's another reason though. I want to leave because I just want to start fresh. I want to start new or maybe it's because I just want to disappear among the crowds. Here, where I live, people know me and they know that I am just some, weird teen who nobody likes. Yes. That's me. I don't want to stand out though so I'll go somewhere where nobody will know me, nobody will recognize me. I'll be my own person, another Canada. 

My parents say I should stay near. They ask who will take care of them when they grow old. They think I am selfish to want to go away. They think I see them as a burden. I don't although they can be annoying, but I'm a teen. That's just a phase I'm going through. My parents are always there. Despite whatever my mom says when she is mad, she is still my mom and she only slaps me and punishes me for my own good. It is to make me better. I want to go because I want to disappear, but maybe it would be selfish to leave to somewhere far away. 

I see. So shrinks don't help you either. My philosophy is the same, but I thought maybe someone could help. Unlike me who only remains in her stuffy room and never goes out, you have friends. You have a life so I thought to myself, maybe you can trust someone to help you in your time of need. Maybe shrinks would help, but I guess they don't. 

If that is you philosophy, then it is a good one.

I was always stuck with school counselors back in Elementary school for my social problems and inferior issues. It never helped. A guidance counselor was not going to help me make friends with people who would laugh at me behind there backs. It was stuck as being the school freak. I am now know as the friendless weirdo, but at least it's better than before. In middle school, my parents realized it was doing no good, so they stopped putting me in classes. 

I was glad. I never liked the school counselors anyway. They were as bad as the others elementary teachers who would think I was a freak too. They were smiles and laughs, but man I was smart enough to know it was all fake. I knew there was that disgust in their eyes. Humans can never see everyone as equal. 
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:iconthemirage-prismatic:
theMirage-Prismatic Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Student Writer
*imagine a hug, you know, those kinds when you flop over and force me to support all of your weight.* :P Trying to do relaxing things when you have time or even calming breathing excerises when you're at work.
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:icon12bfeygirl42:
12bfeygirl42 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I miss those hugs. And how are you, woman? I haven't heard from you in eons. Text me, please? :P

And I've been trying. But what is relaxation anyway? You're talking to me, remember? ;)

As for breathing exercises... I've been working with it. Also a little yoga if time allows. I get enough of a work-out during my shift, so stretching before bed is always nice~
Reply
:iconthemirage-prismatic:
theMirage-Prismatic Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Student Writer
I can't text my phone service is off b/c i am poor. D: and my grandmother's ancient piece of technology has impossible buttons! wander on skype sometimes, plz!

You only miss my hugs b/c you don't have to stand up. :P *teasing of course*

I know i'm talking to Becca but still relaxing can go a long way. Find some space. Keep writing, talk to Kitty and everyone as much as you can, keep writing! and i'll make exciting plans for gallivanting about Europe despite my mother trying to impose 'reality' on me. :P

I have been (slowly, futilely) searching for job and playing MMO in btwn. I'm afraid i've caught our friend's video game addiction. :P
and I am being (involuntarily, against my will) taken to a reunion with the relatives. I wish to have no part of b/c it is a) in a city I loathe and b) i don't care about my relations. My gran'ma seems to do nothing but complain about her sisters. Why would she bother going to a reunion? (sorry - i overhear her conversations all the time - like now)
:hug::glomp: remake by arrioch  :massage: by Little-Vampire  :bounce-tackle: by Seraphim-Enraged  
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:icon12bfeygirl42:
12bfeygirl42 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First off, I'm always logged into Skype. So if you sent me a message once in a while, I would get to it as soon as I have my computer open. :P

Well- yes~

And again with the yes: this is Becca. But I appreciate your continued efforts. ;)

How has the job hunt been going? And now that I'm finally sitting down to answer all of these, I'm guessing that that city is the lovely Detroit, right?
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:iconlindabostic:
LindaBostic Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  New member Hobbyist Writer
Whut the.....are you all right?....somebody call the paramedics....help revive this person's writing
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